Alright October.

The past few days have been a blur; five events in four days and having a leadership role in each took more stamina than originally anticipated – but what a blessing. Between NWPC-SV, a girls night in, a membership event, our alumnae homecoming tailgate and the founders day brunch – all while hosting a National Officer. I’m a bit exhausted but completely astounded by the love that exists in my life and heart.

I came home to the sun beaming through the trees in my backyard, and as I took a sip of my ginger tea, I looked out the window to see the leaves blowing through my little patch of earth. ‘Twas a blustery, warm afternoon and the red and yellow leaves were dancing magically through the yard with a graceful power.

I love October. And Autumn. And the comfort that comes along with the settling into the season. And so, I took another sip of my tea and tried to breathe it all in.

I was am sad right now. Sad about something that was beyond my emotional comprehension at first and hard to admit once I was able to put my finger on it.

I miss my dad.

Its been a year since we’ve spoken, and somehow that feels like my failure. Perhaps its the years of manipulation thats eliciting such a response, or the gender norms that tell us that daughters are supposed to adore and be in service to their fathers. I know it was the right choice for me to present him with the opportunity to be his own genuine self. Deep down I know that he chose the thrill of a constructed reality over something real – but somehow I still miss my dad.

I’m angry about that. I never wanted to miss my dad. I never wanted to need to protect myself on this level. My mom didn’t want that for me either.

It makes me angry to think that this was his choice – that he chose a construct over his own real daughter full of real love. I wish he’d chosen choose me. Because right now I need some of the fight that I learned from him. The raw and righteous, stand-up-for-your-damn-self fight, and I’m angry that I can’t call my dad for that.

In other news, there has been little cooking in the past two weeks. That needs to change. Perhaps I’ll have the opportunity to carve out some time next weekend with a bit more purpose and intention.