Today is “Marooned without a Compass Day” according to JeanGrab.
In response to this occasion, I simply replied, “this is fitting.”
She said, “You may get distracted, but you don’t get lost.”
I formally resigned from Gamma Iota’s CAB yesterday. Sent it out to anyone and everyone up and down the sorority food chain who would’ve been otherwise offended at their omission. I charted this path weeks ago, but the growing lump in the pit of my stomach had prevented me from sitting down to and hitting send.
My hesitation was well founded. I immediately got a barrage of text messages from an otherwise loving sister, devastated by my decision. So self-involved in her own discomfort, she couldn’t see that I was quietly crying at my desk as I let the third largest part of my identity go. That this is hard for me.
On the flip side, my National advisor immediately emailed back asking if I wanted to join UW or WSU’s CAB, and did I want to stay at her home over the weekend while I was visiting? National HQ staff have responded with love and praise, none of which was requested, or even deserved as far as I can tell. I guess all I want is to know that in my three years with our women, I didn’t screw up too badly.
So often I lacked vision. So often I made decisions founded only in my gut reaction and commitment to the development of college-age women and not in rules or procedures. So often I looked over my shoulder wondering if I was doing okay and whether those women were going to look back at their time as a collegiate and smile, or whether they would have the same disdain for their advisor that I did.
I think the sadness is a distraction. I know I’m not lost. This isn’t a made for tv movie where I’m supposed to be the sad tragic martyr needing saving. I know where I am and who I am and where I’m going. But it’s still hard. Looking forward to next Tuesday at the beach, spending a moment in the sun with Grandpa J. Missing him especially much right now.